Dear friends,

We recently gave you some news that we were going to have a little one this summer. We are sorry to say that this past Wednesday we lost our baby. At 13 weeks we believed we were out of the woods, and began to tell family and friends, but unfortunately luck was not on our side.

Julie is doing well after the procedure yesterday, and we are both feeling better than we were. The doctors are doing some tests to see how we should proceed from this point, and I'm sure they will find something that will help us. We are very lucky to have our health, each other, family, and friends, and we thank all of you for having been so kind and supportive and excited for us.

Zander and Julie

Zander sent this out to a few of you last week. Last night when I was trying (unsuccessfully) to sleep, I was thinking about how this terrible grief feels so many different ways. In the very middle of the night I thought I was pretty profound when it felt very much like a dip cone. Crackly on the outside, but soft and melty on the inside. One wrong step and what appears to be neatly tidy and delicious falls completely apart on your lap in a messy and inedible pile of mush. That's so me. I work really hard to smile and make it look like it's kind of alright, but I might also be fighting eye contact because I'm afraid that when that connection happens I'll just lose it. I'll get snot on your sweater or something. And really, I'm so thankful that we've got so much love around us that is more than happy to have to just wash that off a little later. For now, we're sad and vulnerable and raw. We are getting through it though. It seems impossible, but I already feel better than I did last week, and I trust that next week will be better than right now. I'm already looking forward to some happy day very soon where I'm camera*-ready, and wanting to get home and write all about it.

*I'm saving up for a fancy camera. When I was in high school, I'd blow all of my babysitting money right away. On hairspray and curling irons. When I was a little older, I was so broke, that there was no saving to be had- I was always scrounging for change under the seat of my car so I could buy a little bit of gas at a time. Now that I'm alright for gas, and don't need much curling or spraying, I'm ready to save up. In fact, I just got a $160 check from the consignment shop for a bunch of name-brand crap I bought at Saver's.