Tuesday, January 11, 2005


I'm wondering how appropriate this is to write about on a website. I'm wondering, and yet it doesn't really matter. I need to get this incredible load off my chest. On Thanksgiving we found out that we were going to have a baby, yesterday we found out that we aren't. It has been a long weekend of wondering and waiting, and now we know. We are sad. We are so sad because this baby is something that we have wanted so very badly. This isn't something that will just go away because "it wasn't meant to be". It was a part of our new dream life... Come home from Japan, spend time with the people we love, work in jobs that make us happy, buy a house, make it our home, have a baby... The last part will have to wait a while. Not because we want it that way, but because of statistics and things that I'm told are beyond my control. It hurts me deeply to know that Zander is hurting, and I drive myself a little crazy wondering what I can do to wipe it away. I'm learning from him though. He doesn't try to wipe it away, he kisses, and scratches, and smiles, and asks, and feels, and then kisses some more, and yes, already the hurting is fading, the tiniest little bit. I think it is human nature to see the bounty of what you have when you are faced with what is lost. Thank you dear ones for being so very dear.