Wednesday, August 02, 2006

It's been a while. I've lost a bit of my blogging fervor lately, and I think it's because my brain is on overload. I've been thinking about all the things I'd like to accomplish before going back to school. Some creative stuff and some non-creative stuff. Stuff like trying to figure out where the water in our basement is coming from and unpacking our pack-rat tendencies. This might be a news flash, but we keep way too much crap. Every bit of plastic that enters this house does not ever leave. It lives in a cupboard that is so crammed full of more delightful plastic that it barely closes. I'm throwing it all out. Ok, I'm not that tough. I'll recycle. But plastic is only one small example in a very small house overflowing with junk. (Insert casual flowing transition here) However, this is all a kind of a smoke-screen for what's really going on. We are trying to have babies. We're having a difficult time. After four miscarriages, the Dr. feels that I have a difficult time staying pregnant. I say DUH. He says that Clomid helps people get pregnant. I say the problem isn't getting pregnant. He says it can also help people stay pregnant. I hope he's right. He also says this drug allows them to do all kinds of tests that they normally can't do. I just started taking the medication, and I keep waiting for hormones to strike and release the evil beast that I don't really keep hidden all that well anyway. So far, so good. I'm a bit jittery, and I've got a (not so) "beauty mark" on my cheek, but really, I feel good. I know that this is kind of a public forum for such a private issue. I have conflicting feelings about sharing, but I'm through keeping this as my very scary secret. I talked about all of this with a sweet friend recently. It felt oh so vulnerable, but her reaction was like medicine. There was nothing flippant in her reply, not even one "poor Julie", just listening and giving us the gonna-make-great-parents-someday-seal-of-approval. Now, I'm going to go down to the basement to make stuff. I'll update tomorrow with something a bit lighter. Unless the Clomid REALLY kicks in...


Jennifer said...

I stumbled upon your blog through Intetnational Craft Conspiracy and have enjoyed reading your blog.

I'm sorry about your attempts at becoming parents. My husband and I also did Clomid and also miscarried. Not fun-but it gets easier and things will work out somehow. For us, it was through adoption.

Beth said...

Julie- I love you. My heart breaks, thinking of the struggles you've gone through. Thank you for your willingness to share with us.
You and Zander WILL be AMAZING parents. I don't doubt it for a minute.
I know I am terrible about staying in touch, but know that I am thinking and praying for you both- that the newest member of the Cannon family will join you soon! Much love... B

Anonymous said...

You know, Julie, miscarriage seems to be the last big taboo in our culture--moreso than things that clearly should be off limits, like mullets--and the lack of public talk about how painful, physically and emotionally, miscarriage is is a shame. When I was pregnant with Allegra, I had a miscarriage before we knew I was actually carrying twins (we found out a week later, after a latenight visit to the emergency room during which much tissue was removed, that there was still an Allegra in there). Thinking the pregnancy was over was completely devastating, as the moment you know you're pregnant, you can't help but start to plan the whole life of the baby and look at how yours will change. I had no idea that the casual word of "miscarriage" had such a devastating reality behind it. But what really amazed me was how many women, virtually every woman I knew and many I didn't, came to me and said they'd been through it too. More often than not, the end result was that after 3 or 4 miscarriages, they finally did carry to term. My hope is that modern medicine can help this happen for you and if not, that you can consider the alternatives (once you're finished grieving the original plan you and Zander had together) such as adoption or even surrogacy. I would wager, though, that you're on the right track with the Clomid. Just know that after only one weekend with you and Zander, I became pretty sure I want you to be my parents. The children you eventually have, and because you want them, they will happen, will have won the Parental Lottery.--jocelyn

LA said...

You know what I think.
You guys rock.

The kid who ends up living under your roof will be so very, very lucky.

I am utterly BURSTING at the seams with hope and excitement for what the future holds for your family!! It's going to be so good.

Reb said...

We all love you to pieces and always want to know everything. Even stuff that's hard. We want to be able to just be there, even if there is nothing to say to make it better, just being there usually helps! :)
Love you

Kari said...

I think it is awesome that you shared your very personal story on your blog. I have shared some personal things on my blog and you are always there to support me in my decision of putting it, so I am here for you, and there are many others to support you! Plus, putting it down in writing is very therapeutic. I know that you and Zander are going to have the cutest little family around!!!